Sorting through the files

From the "things you don't want to hear the person behind you on an airplane say to their companion" file:

"I started to feel queasy, so I got air-sickness bags for both of us."

From the "quid pro quo" file:

Evidently the gym is out of fresh towels unless the desk attendant notices you are carrying a months-old Newsweek magazine with a cover story on crystal meth, which would be the perfect research tool for his best friend's term paper on the drug. Then the bleached terry is a'flowin'.

From the "lard ass" file:

Irish researchers recently determined that medicine delivered via arse cheeks is not reaching patients' bloodstreams as efficiently as it should due to the fact that hypodermic needles are not long enough to pierce the ever-more-padded backsides of said patients. I'd like to suggest a slogan for any forthcoming public service announcements on the phenomenon:
"If your diet goes to hell, your butt can't make you well."

From the "funny to read" file:

Pablo wittily recaps the delights of Barcelona.